Come on, get happy

I grew up in a family that doesn't really talk about the "bad stuff". Don't get me wrong, we talk, just not usually about major/bad things. My mom, love her to pieces, is a total Pollyanna. The sun is always shining, the birds are always chirping, and, well, you get the picture. My dad on the other hand is the quiet, stoic type. He wasn't raised in a family of talkers at all. For example, we don't talk about my MS. They all participate in the MS Walk with me, and they know about my study in Chicago, but as far as addressing the fact that I have multiple sclerosis or how it makes me feel, or how it makes them feel for that matter...that doesn't really happen. Post partum depression? Ha! Didn't talk about that either. Did I have panic attacks and crying fits in my parent's home? Yes, but we didn't talk about it.

So, the point, in case you're wondering, is that lately I've been feeling a lot like I felt after Mason was born. And I don't talk about it. I just don't really know how, I think. Todd of course has noticed (how could he not) and in his defense, he tries to make me talk about it. Now, I've had some depression in the past. Mostly in high school, when, honestly, I think everyone has to deal with some type of neuroses. After Mason was born was a whole new thing for me though. PPD is no joke. Between the crying and the exhaustion and the guilt and the anxiety....good lord, no wonder I fantasized about getting in my car and driving far far away.

Ok, before you all freak out...I'm not all the way back to that, you don't need to worry for my safety. It's just that lately I have felt so defeated most of the time and I don't know what is wrong with me. I tried to call the woman I was seeing for the PPD to set up an appointment finally (this is a HUGE step for me), but I found out she moved out of state. I seriously started sobbing when I got off the phone I was so upset. I'm sure there are other counselors out there, but she is really the only one I've seen that I really connected with and felt like it actually helped to go see her! Anyway, after that I kept on like I was for a while, but finally emailed my neurologist about this being a possible side effect of my new MS medication.

Long story short, it isn't a super common side effect, but it is a side effect of Tysabri! So, while it may in fact just be me, there is also something outside of my control affecting my mood. Yay! Well, temporary yay, because I'm sure you can all guess the conversation that came next...the old, would you consider taking something and/or talking to someone. I really really REALLY did not want to go back on an anti-depressant, but I said that I would at least give it a try. So here I am, about a week into being back on Lexapro. I haven't noticed a huge change yet, except that my anxiety seems a little better, but I know it can take time. I said no, for now, to the talking to someone thing. We'll see if this will be enough to pull me out of this funk.

I'm not really sure the point of this post. I guess maybe I needed to just "come clean" so to speak. I know I haven't been myself lately, but hopefully soon I'll stop freaking out and crying and being pissed off at my husband. Until then, I'll just apologize for the normal Amanda's absence, and hope you can all hang in there until she returns.