Showing posts with label PPD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PPD. Show all posts
February 25, 2011
Happy Baby, Happy Mama
Have I told you all how much I love this little boy?
And, by the way, where the hell was Mexico when I had post-partum depression? Seriously, this place is the cure!
October 21, 2010
Come on, get happy
I grew up in a family that doesn't really talk about the "bad stuff". Don't get me wrong, we talk, just not usually about major/bad things. My mom, love her to pieces, is a total Pollyanna. The sun is always shining, the birds are always chirping, and, well, you get the picture. My dad on the other hand is the quiet, stoic type. He wasn't raised in a family of talkers at all. For example, we don't talk about my MS. They all participate in the MS Walk with me, and they know about my study in Chicago, but as far as addressing the fact that I have multiple sclerosis or how it makes me feel, or how it makes them feel for that matter...that doesn't really happen. Post partum depression? Ha! Didn't talk about that either. Did I have panic attacks and crying fits in my parent's home? Yes, but we didn't talk about it.
So, the point, in case you're wondering, is that lately I've been feeling a lot like I felt after Mason was born. And I don't talk about it. I just don't really know how, I think. Todd of course has noticed (how could he not) and in his defense, he tries to make me talk about it. Now, I've had some depression in the past. Mostly in high school, when, honestly, I think everyone has to deal with some type of neuroses. After Mason was born was a whole new thing for me though. PPD is no joke. Between the crying and the exhaustion and the guilt and the anxiety....good lord, no wonder I fantasized about getting in my car and driving far far away.
Ok, before you all freak out...I'm not all the way back to that, you don't need to worry for my safety. It's just that lately I have felt so defeated most of the time and I don't know what is wrong with me. I tried to call the woman I was seeing for the PPD to set up an appointment finally (this is a HUGE step for me), but I found out she moved out of state. I seriously started sobbing when I got off the phone I was so upset. I'm sure there are other counselors out there, but she is really the only one I've seen that I really connected with and felt like it actually helped to go see her! Anyway, after that I kept on like I was for a while, but finally emailed my neurologist about this being a possible side effect of my new MS medication.
Long story short, it isn't a super common side effect, but it is a side effect of Tysabri! So, while it may in fact just be me, there is also something outside of my control affecting my mood. Yay! Well, temporary yay, because I'm sure you can all guess the conversation that came next...the old, would you consider taking something and/or talking to someone. I really really REALLY did not want to go back on an anti-depressant, but I said that I would at least give it a try. So here I am, about a week into being back on Lexapro. I haven't noticed a huge change yet, except that my anxiety seems a little better, but I know it can take time. I said no, for now, to the talking to someone thing. We'll see if this will be enough to pull me out of this funk.
I'm not really sure the point of this post. I guess maybe I needed to just "come clean" so to speak. I know I haven't been myself lately, but hopefully soon I'll stop freaking out and crying and being pissed off at my husband. Until then, I'll just apologize for the normal Amanda's absence, and hope you can all hang in there until she returns.
So, the point, in case you're wondering, is that lately I've been feeling a lot like I felt after Mason was born. And I don't talk about it. I just don't really know how, I think. Todd of course has noticed (how could he not) and in his defense, he tries to make me talk about it. Now, I've had some depression in the past. Mostly in high school, when, honestly, I think everyone has to deal with some type of neuroses. After Mason was born was a whole new thing for me though. PPD is no joke. Between the crying and the exhaustion and the guilt and the anxiety....good lord, no wonder I fantasized about getting in my car and driving far far away.
Ok, before you all freak out...I'm not all the way back to that, you don't need to worry for my safety. It's just that lately I have felt so defeated most of the time and I don't know what is wrong with me. I tried to call the woman I was seeing for the PPD to set up an appointment finally (this is a HUGE step for me), but I found out she moved out of state. I seriously started sobbing when I got off the phone I was so upset. I'm sure there are other counselors out there, but she is really the only one I've seen that I really connected with and felt like it actually helped to go see her! Anyway, after that I kept on like I was for a while, but finally emailed my neurologist about this being a possible side effect of my new MS medication.
Long story short, it isn't a super common side effect, but it is a side effect of Tysabri! So, while it may in fact just be me, there is also something outside of my control affecting my mood. Yay! Well, temporary yay, because I'm sure you can all guess the conversation that came next...the old, would you consider taking something and/or talking to someone. I really really REALLY did not want to go back on an anti-depressant, but I said that I would at least give it a try. So here I am, about a week into being back on Lexapro. I haven't noticed a huge change yet, except that my anxiety seems a little better, but I know it can take time. I said no, for now, to the talking to someone thing. We'll see if this will be enough to pull me out of this funk.
I'm not really sure the point of this post. I guess maybe I needed to just "come clean" so to speak. I know I haven't been myself lately, but hopefully soon I'll stop freaking out and crying and being pissed off at my husband. Until then, I'll just apologize for the normal Amanda's absence, and hope you can all hang in there until she returns.
November 29, 2009
Thankful
I cannot believe a whole year has gone by already. The last year has been full of so many blessings for our family, and I am full of gratitude for all that I have been given. I am so lucky to have my beautiful son, who makes me feel as though my heart could burst everyday. This last year has not been the easiest of my life, but it has been by far the most rewarding. I am forever indebted to the people who have helped me get through this past year, when at times I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Todd, my parents, Crystal M., Mariah R., Laura A., Cindy, C., and Beth B.,....I wouldn't have made it without you all being here to help pick me up with your love, kindness and understanding. Thanks!
June 12, 2009
What's the number?
I went to see the PPD woman on Wednesday. She was actually very nice, and not at all loony. (it just seems to me that a lot of counselors are kind of loony and into meditating and such...which just does not work for me)
Anyway, one thing she does want me to do is start numbering my days. Kind of like the pain scale we use for patients, although instead of ten being horrible, I-want-to-die pain, 10 is beautiful-birds chirping-perfect day and one is a I-don't-want-to-go-on-living kind of day. Along with numbering them, I also need to think about what's going on the days that are lower numbers.
She also gave me names of some books and websites that I still haven't checked out, but I'll probably get around to it this weekend. I have a feeling that once school is over my stress level will drop dramatically...so in 62 days we'll see if that's true. This last semester not only sucks because my classes are lame and require TONS of writing that I just do NOT have the time for, but also because, since it's my last semester, I just don't really care that much. I think in high school we called this senioritis.
And by the way, in case you're wondering...so far, today is about a 4.5 (I thought I would switch it up a bit, using decimals sometimes ala SJP in SATC) No real reason for the lower than average number, but I think this may just be my baseline most days unfortunately.
Anyway, one thing she does want me to do is start numbering my days. Kind of like the pain scale we use for patients, although instead of ten being horrible, I-want-to-die pain, 10 is beautiful-birds chirping-perfect day and one is a I-don't-want-to-go-on-living kind of day. Along with numbering them, I also need to think about what's going on the days that are lower numbers.
She also gave me names of some books and websites that I still haven't checked out, but I'll probably get around to it this weekend. I have a feeling that once school is over my stress level will drop dramatically...so in 62 days we'll see if that's true. This last semester not only sucks because my classes are lame and require TONS of writing that I just do NOT have the time for, but also because, since it's my last semester, I just don't really care that much. I think in high school we called this senioritis.
And by the way, in case you're wondering...so far, today is about a 4.5 (I thought I would switch it up a bit, using decimals sometimes ala SJP in SATC) No real reason for the lower than average number, but I think this may just be my baseline most days unfortunately.
June 2, 2009
Something's gotta give
Today I filled out paperwork to terminate my x-ray position at PAMC. I really feel overwhelmed lately, and I just don't have the time to dedicate hours to them. I can honestly say I will miss the people in the department...but I'll still be around, I'm sure.
My plate now has one less thing on it!
My plate now has one less thing on it!
June 1, 2009
No sleep for the Loys
Mason has decided that sleeping through the night is no longer something he wants to do. Since his 6 month shots last week, he has been a total crank, actually. At first I assumed it was from the shots, but shouldn't that only last for like a day? I do think he is teething, but how long can that last with no teeth? He is seriously the only kid around with no teeth! Just red gums and lots of fuss!
So many people have told me that I just need sleep. Well, excuse my language, but NO SHIT! Do you think I don't know that? The problem is that I can't sleep. Even when Mason was sleeping through the night, I always have one ear tuned in to hear him. I wake up all through the night, tossing and turning. The only time I actually get any sleep is when I take something...and even then I can't sleep through the night. And taking something isn't exactly an option most nights. So please, do me a favor, and stop telling me to get some sleep. If I could, I would.
So many people have told me that I just need sleep. Well, excuse my language, but NO SHIT! Do you think I don't know that? The problem is that I can't sleep. Even when Mason was sleeping through the night, I always have one ear tuned in to hear him. I wake up all through the night, tossing and turning. The only time I actually get any sleep is when I take something...and even then I can't sleep through the night. And taking something isn't exactly an option most nights. So please, do me a favor, and stop telling me to get some sleep. If I could, I would.
May 31, 2009
Drowning
I am so totally in over my head lately. I feel so overwhelmed most days! Being a mom is hard, hard work, which I knew going into this, but at the same time I really had no idea at all. It's rewarding, and I love my son so much I could explode, but, damn if I don't want to run away some days.
Added to being the mother of a 6 month old (who, by the way, has decided he no longer wants to sleep through the night), I work more than I would like (part time, Ha), I have two very needy dogs, I have a husband who, as helpful as he would like to be is not home very much to actually help, I'm taking my final 12 credits for my BS degree. Basically I am finding it impossible to be a good mother, wife, daughter, friend, student, employee, etc, etc, etc. Oh, and I have taken to crying...a lot.
So, duh, I have post partum depression. Yes, I've been seeing someone for it. Yes, I got put on medication for it. And yes, it is kicking my ASS! I just finished reading "It Sucked and then I Cried"...which was like I had written it myself! Good book, you should check it out, even if you don't have PPD. Anyway, this basically is serving as my apology to all my friends, family, animals, coworkers, and especially my beautiful son...I know I'm not myself, I can feel it in my bones, but I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard, and I'll hopefully get back there soon. And in the meantime I promise not to actually throw anything, run away, or hide under the bed.
Added to being the mother of a 6 month old (who, by the way, has decided he no longer wants to sleep through the night), I work more than I would like (part time, Ha), I have two very needy dogs, I have a husband who, as helpful as he would like to be is not home very much to actually help, I'm taking my final 12 credits for my BS degree. Basically I am finding it impossible to be a good mother, wife, daughter, friend, student, employee, etc, etc, etc. Oh, and I have taken to crying...a lot.
So, duh, I have post partum depression. Yes, I've been seeing someone for it. Yes, I got put on medication for it. And yes, it is kicking my ASS! I just finished reading "It Sucked and then I Cried"...which was like I had written it myself! Good book, you should check it out, even if you don't have PPD. Anyway, this basically is serving as my apology to all my friends, family, animals, coworkers, and especially my beautiful son...I know I'm not myself, I can feel it in my bones, but I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard, and I'll hopefully get back there soon. And in the meantime I promise not to actually throw anything, run away, or hide under the bed.
January 4, 2009
Dinosaur brains
I got big ol' brains! Dinosaur brains! Ok, most of you won't understand this reference, but I know at least one person is probably laughing out loud (hi, Mariah). Anyway, the point is, my 'brains' is not working well lately. I'm so forgetful! I'm sure this has something to do with fatigue, but it's so frustrating. I usually consider myself a fairly smart, together person......but ever since Mason was born I can't seem to remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago!
Anyway, speaking of little M, he's doing much better. I have become a little OCD about taking his temperature, but other than that we have all recovered from our ER experience. And whatever virus or bug Mason had seems to have gone away, leaving us with a happy baby for most of the day. I say most because around 7 or 8pm every night he gets super fussy, which lasts until around 10pm most nights (sometimes longer).
It has been too cold here lately for us to do much outside of the house, but we did manage to go over to my parents yesterday for the afternoon. Todd's first day back at work was yesterday, and Mason and I both survived. Todd only worked half of his shift (12 hours instead of 24) so he was home at night with us. I was really looking forward to 9pm! I've definitely gotten used to having Todd home with me these last 6 weeks, it's going to take some adjusting having to do everything myself. He goes back tomorrow for the full shift, and I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure we will all do just fine.
Our proofs from our pictures we had done when Mason was 3 weeks old are ready. If you want to see them send me an email and I'll give you the password. They all turned out so great, it was hard to decide which ones we wanted to order!
That's about all for now, Mason is calling for me again :)
Anyway, speaking of little M, he's doing much better. I have become a little OCD about taking his temperature, but other than that we have all recovered from our ER experience. And whatever virus or bug Mason had seems to have gone away, leaving us with a happy baby for most of the day. I say most because around 7 or 8pm every night he gets super fussy, which lasts until around 10pm most nights (sometimes longer).
It has been too cold here lately for us to do much outside of the house, but we did manage to go over to my parents yesterday for the afternoon. Todd's first day back at work was yesterday, and Mason and I both survived. Todd only worked half of his shift (12 hours instead of 24) so he was home at night with us. I was really looking forward to 9pm! I've definitely gotten used to having Todd home with me these last 6 weeks, it's going to take some adjusting having to do everything myself. He goes back tomorrow for the full shift, and I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure we will all do just fine.
Our proofs from our pictures we had done when Mason was 3 weeks old are ready. If you want to see them send me an email and I'll give you the password. They all turned out so great, it was hard to decide which ones we wanted to order!
That's about all for now, Mason is calling for me again :)
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