Come on, get happy

I grew up in a family that doesn't really talk about the "bad stuff". Don't get me wrong, we talk, just not usually about major/bad things. My mom, love her to pieces, is a total Pollyanna. The sun is always shining, the birds are always chirping, and, well, you get the picture. My dad on the other hand is the quiet, stoic type. He wasn't raised in a family of talkers at all. For example, we don't talk about my MS. They all participate in the MS Walk with me, and they know about my study in Chicago, but as far as addressing the fact that I have multiple sclerosis or how it makes me feel, or how it makes them feel for that matter...that doesn't really happen. Post partum depression? Ha! Didn't talk about that either. Did I have panic attacks and crying fits in my parent's home? Yes, but we didn't talk about it.

So, the point, in case you're wondering, is that lately I've been feeling a lot like I felt after Mason was born. And I don't talk about it. I just don't really know how, I think. Todd of course has noticed (how could he not) and in his defense, he tries to make me talk about it. Now, I've had some depression in the past. Mostly in high school, when, honestly, I think everyone has to deal with some type of neuroses. After Mason was born was a whole new thing for me though. PPD is no joke. Between the crying and the exhaustion and the guilt and the anxiety....good lord, no wonder I fantasized about getting in my car and driving far far away.

Ok, before you all freak out...I'm not all the way back to that, you don't need to worry for my safety. It's just that lately I have felt so defeated most of the time and I don't know what is wrong with me. I tried to call the woman I was seeing for the PPD to set up an appointment finally (this is a HUGE step for me), but I found out she moved out of state. I seriously started sobbing when I got off the phone I was so upset. I'm sure there are other counselors out there, but she is really the only one I've seen that I really connected with and felt like it actually helped to go see her! Anyway, after that I kept on like I was for a while, but finally emailed my neurologist about this being a possible side effect of my new MS medication.

Long story short, it isn't a super common side effect, but it is a side effect of Tysabri! So, while it may in fact just be me, there is also something outside of my control affecting my mood. Yay! Well, temporary yay, because I'm sure you can all guess the conversation that came next...the old, would you consider taking something and/or talking to someone. I really really REALLY did not want to go back on an anti-depressant, but I said that I would at least give it a try. So here I am, about a week into being back on Lexapro. I haven't noticed a huge change yet, except that my anxiety seems a little better, but I know it can take time. I said no, for now, to the talking to someone thing. We'll see if this will be enough to pull me out of this funk.

I'm not really sure the point of this post. I guess maybe I needed to just "come clean" so to speak. I know I haven't been myself lately, but hopefully soon I'll stop freaking out and crying and being pissed off at my husband. Until then, I'll just apologize for the normal Amanda's absence, and hope you can all hang in there until she returns.

Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear...just sing, sing a song

Mason is turning into quite the little singer lately, and it's so fun to realize just how much he really does listen when I sing to him. Normally, turning the camera on means he stops doing whatever cute thing he was doing, but today I was able to catch a little of his lunch serenade on video. Enjoy!

Here is Mason's version of ABCs (he calls them ABX) and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He also tried to blend in a little Itsy Bitsy Spider, but then started talking about his Ping Pong Pig book (in which a little pig, named Ping Pong, wants to fly, so his friends make him a trampoline).

DID IT!

This is Mason's favorite saying lately..."DID IT!" He is so stinking independent! Todd and I have both learned the hard way to check what clothes are clean before just asking him what he wants to wear. Here are some examples...

Mason is in love with this beanie hat. In fact, he has been wearing it ALL DAY LONG at daycare most days. In addition to the beanie, he decided to wear his bright red jacket ("Red, James" because James is his favorite train) and his rain boots. Wow.

And here is our son, sporting a hot pink wig. I'm sure you're wondering why I have said wig (it's OK, my own husband had to ask). It's for my trial. I have to cover my hair for my follow up appointments with the blinded neurologist...and I say, why not cover my hair with a hot pink wig. Also, if I do ever get into the treatment arm of the study and lose my hair from the chemo...well, I'm prepared.

And here he is, in different rain boots, deciding exactly how to put on this onesie.

Double (maybe triple) Trouble

Mason has been teething. Those darn two-year molars are determined to make all of our lives miserable, but have yet to actually show themselves. It is because of these two-year molars that I became a horrible mother and ignored my son last weekend when he pointed at his cheek and said "ouch, mama" and was much fussier/needy than normal. It didn't take long, though, by Tuesday I made Todd take him to the doctor "just to be sure". We now have our first ear infection. Actually, BOTH of Mason's ears were infected.

He was started on Amoxicillin and seemed to be doing OK......until Friday. On Friday I got a call from daycare that he threw up, so I went and picked him up. We aren't sure if it's the antibiotic or a stomach bug on top of the ear infection, or maybe it's his darn molars again...but this weekend was full of puking (and cleaning up after the puking). It's actually the most pathetic sight when Mason throws up. He just gives you this look like "Why aren't you doing something?".

Here's hoping the puking has stopped, the ears are UN-infected and those freaking molars break through the gum already!

The (non)artsnob

There were a couple different articles/blogs on ADN today about ASO's opening night concert, so I thought I'd add my own take on my own blog.

First, Randy's hair was as fantastic as ever. The perfect combination of pouf and feather. Although, I did notice during a bow or two that it may be *gasp* thinning a little on top. I'm still not sure what you call Randy's haircut. It's certainly not a mullet, but it's not crazy long 80's rocker hair either. I could definitely see him with either of those haircuts in a past life...maybe someone should dig up some old 80's pictures of him to compare. This is like the reformed version, right?

Second, parking. Holy crap, when the symphony sells out, it really does a number on downtown parking. Luckily, for me, it wasn't super cold nor was I wearing super cute (high-heeled) shoes so parking down by Snow City wasn't a big deal.

Third, the heat. Ok, I know that a good number of symphony goers are, how do I say this...well, old. Is this why the PAC cranks the heat up so high? It was seriously so hot in the Atwood my right leg was completely useless the rest of the night.

In all seriousness, the ASO did an amazing job. It was so wonderful to see them sell out a performance, and I hope this is an indication for this seasons ticket sales. Todd and I decided that getting season tickets would be a great way that we could guarantee at least one date night every other month. Todd was a season ticket holder when we met, but we haven't gone to the symphony together since before we were married, and I think it was definitely something we both missed.

Icing on our cupcake? A sweet thank you card and gift card taped to our seats as a surprise from Mariah's Mama. THANK YOU!!!

It was a super-sized concert, because of the usual season openers (star spangled banner/ak flag song) but also because they recognized both Arthur Braendel Sr and Ted Stevens. There was some debate over whether the Stevens tribute was necessary, since other notable AK figures haven't been given the same, but I think it was both appropriate and beautifully done. And for once, the people of Anchorage didn't applaud when they weren't supposed to! Oh, not for the entire concert (no, there was plenty of poorly timed applause to be had), just not during the moments of silence for these two men.